We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
