I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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