i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
