you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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