the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
