After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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