I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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