bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
