:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
