Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
