my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
