I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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