I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
