Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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