Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
