Your face is a jimmy john
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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