One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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