Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
