I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
