did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
