I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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