i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
