When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
