Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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