Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
