So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
