Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
