I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Fuck appropriateness.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
