3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
