i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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