And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
