Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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