I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
