he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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