I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
