I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
