how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Your penis caused this!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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