The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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