is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
