Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
