drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
