What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
