can u get pink eye on your cock?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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