she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
