I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
