2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
