She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
soo... how was my night?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
