At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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