We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
