My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
