I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
