It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
