My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
