Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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