Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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