oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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