Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
