Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
